Have you made out with anyone in the last 2 weeks?
um...no

Has a boy ever called you babe / baby?
yeah

Are your toe nails painted pink?
like one of them is blue

Do you have more than 1 bestfriend?
Yep.

Has anyone ever told you you're beautiful?
ya...but i bet they didnt mean it

Will you be in a relationship in 4 months?
i hope so

Are you wearing short shorts?
yeppp.

Is your bra pink?
nope...but close. its like a light rred

Ever had a boy best friend?
yep....i do now actually. always will

Do you think Chad Michael Murray is cute?
yeah, id bang him

Are you tan?
not at all

Do you wear a lot of makeup?
is that a joke?
No.
Do you enjoy wearing dresses?
sometimes.

Are you a slut?
nope

Do you straighten your hair often?
nope.

Do you want a boyfriend?
sometimes

Is your best friend the funniest person you know?
nope.

Are you waiting for someone?
no.

Last MySpace message you received?
no clue

Does anyone hate you?
yep

What are you up to this weekend?
DISNEY WORLD

Are you happy with life?
i guess so

Who did you spend most of your time with last night?
My friends

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
No.

Did you cry today?
actually no

Are you a jealous person?
i can be

Do you like to make the first move?
yes

Do you miss anyone?
Unfortunately yes

Are you smart?
Not really.

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
Not at all.

What's most stressing right now?
fatness

Do you swallow gum when you're done with it?
Sometimes.

Do you like messages or comments better?
Both.

What are you drinking?
nothing

Who was your last call from?
Lauren

Who's car were you last in?
Mine.

Last person you hugged?
Katie

How many people do you know with your name?
2

What are all of your plans for today and tonight?
Maine and Kaitlins B-day

How old do you think you will be when you have kids?
hopefilly not that old

Would you rather watch football or baseball?
Baseball

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
Warm.

What's something you really want right now, be honest!
A certin boy

What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?
fuck...i shoulda gone to the gym

Do you wet the toothbrush before the toothpaste?
Before and after.

Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
saturday

When was the last time you had Starbucks?
today

Where were you at 2:00 this morning?
with katie

Ever kissed someone who smokes?
yep.

Do you wear glasses?
nope

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
pretty much this

Last place you took a plane to?
oaklahoma

Have you ever been around someone who was high?
Yes.

Are you a jealous person?
I can be.

What's your favorite room in your house?
bathroom

How many children do you plan on having?
2

Is your hair curly?
never

Are you ashamed of your past?
sometimes

Do you trust people?
some

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Yes.

Have you ever played a Wii?
Yes.

Do you wear a name tag at work?
Nope.

Last place you ordered food from?
petrones

What are you excited for?
disney

If you could change your eye color what would it be?
i would NEVER

Do you know how to drive a stick shift?
No.

What was the last thing you cried about?
everything piling up

Name something that's on your mind right now?
college. fat.

Have the cops ever came to your house?
haha yes

Where do you want to go?
amesbury

What's a happy time you've had in the past week?
saturday. and last night was kinda happy too

Where did you buy the shirt you're wearing now?
target

What is something you need to go shopping for?
nothing really

Has anyone ever sang to you?
yes. lol. peter in the chorus concert. <3

Has anyone ever given you roses?
yep

If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
Im gunna say yes

What was the last thing you ate?
melon

Do you like cheese?
very much
What are you looking forward to in the next three months?
nothing really

The "If you HAD to" section:

If you HAD to get a tattoo, where would you want it?
shoulder

If you HAD to dye your hair a color what color would it be?
black

If you HAD to get a piercing (not ears) what would you get?
hips

If you HAD to go on a reality tv show, what one would you go on?
rock of love

The "WOULD YOU?" section:

Would you rather love one person or have many short relationships?
love.

Would you move anywhere else if you could?
no way

If you were given the chance to go to South Africa, would you go?
in a heartbeat

If you were given 10 million dollars to keep, what would you do with it?
pay for college, buy a horse, and save the rest

The "CURRENT YEAR" section:

Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of the year?
no but i don't think i've changed too much.

Anything exciting happen this year?
so many things

Have you been involved with the police this year?
haha...

Are your best friends still your best friends?
yep.

Got any tattoos or piercings this year?
yep yep

Been kicked out of a public place this year?
nah

1) Where was the first time you ever saw the person you like?
A long time ago.


2) What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
I went to the gym?
I dunno, that was nice.

3) How many TRUE friends do you have?
8

4) Would you rather get up early or sleep in?
Well before this summer i would say get up early. I mean, i used to love it. But this summer, just recently, its like I never get up before 12.

5) Tell me about the shirt you're wearing?
its black. Its really a workout shirt, but I didnt feel like putting on a real one.

6) What did you do yesterday?
Hung out at the pool. Then I went to liz's house. Took a walk with chris das, then hung out at liz's house again.

7) What would you change about your life right now?
Honeslty? Nothing.
I mean, there are things I wish could happen, but in realitly, life is what it is.

8) What's on your bedroom floor right now?
So much shit.

9) Favorite sport?
Swimming

10) What's currently bothering you?
Eh, nothing specific.

11) What was the first thing you did when you woke up?
yelled at my mom for wakeing me up

12) Who did you last IM?
i dunno, it was last night.

13) What do you currently hear?
the fan

14) Who was the last person to make you mad?
my mom.

15) When was the last time you had your hair cut?
before musical

16) Would you rather be mad or sad?
sad actually.

17) Does it take a lot to make you cry?
not at all. lol

18) What’s the worst feeling in the world?
Not having the same feelings in return.
Or maybe change... I dunno.

19) Are you close with your mom?
sometimes

20) Are your parents strict?
Not particularly.

21) When were you last outside?
like 20 mins ago

22) Name one fear you have:
thunderstorms

23) What's your favorite thing to do?
sing.

24) Does the thought of marriage scare you?
Nah, it used to though. I just dont want it now.

25) How many kids do you want?
1. but maybe 2

26) What's your favorite color to wear?
blue

27) Who was the last person in your bedroom?
me. and other then that, i think my mom

28) What are you doing today?
its night time. going to bed.

29) Would you rather be rich and sad or poor and happy?
Poor and happy.

30) Do you get bored easily?
very

31) What's something that someone can do that really bothers you?
lots of things. lol

32) Do you wish you were famous?
sometimes.

33) Do you make a wish at 11:11?
every night.

34) When you go to the beach do you swim or lay out more?
 depends on who i am with

35) Who's the last text message you received from and what did it say?
it was from my cousin saying thankyou

36) What are you obsessed with?
boys and music.

37) What's your favorite song at the moment?
Wonderful tonight by eric clapton. always has been, always will be.

38) Do you like going to the mall to shop or just shopping online?
dont relaly iike either.

39) Can music affect your mood?
very much so

40) Piercings?
ears

41) Have you ever been in a cave?
i believe so

42) When will you hang out or see the person you like?
tomorrow. =)

Hey everyone. Its been so long, I cant belive it. i actually used to update like a lot, but I havnt since then.
I mean, lets think of all the things that have happend since I last updated.

1. The musical came and went.
2. Prom
3. I graduated
4. Birthday
5. Ending of the era that is Sam and CJ


I guess I will go through all of these
1. God I miss musical. I loved putting all of my efforts into it. I just miss it so much. I miss seeing everyone every day, and I miss being close with Katrina, and I miss the early mornings, and the late nights at the school. I know it was a lot of work and I didnt really see anyone, but it was my work, and to me it was fun. I really friggen miss it. If I could repet one thing in my life, I would repeat this. We were a family, and now the family is over. I really miss it. I really miss AL.

2. Prom. Dear lord. Peter, Jack, Caroline, Lindsey and Chris Das all played a few songs at prom. So that was deff. the highlight, or possibly the worst part. I dunno. They all sounded good, but all they played were slow songs, and so I had to basicly sit alone the whole time. Well, except when Jack played titanic. Then Peter came down and danced with me, and I dont think he knows this, but the whole time all I did was cry. I hope he didnt see it. But all I could think of was him leaving. Leaving to go play the next song, leaving to go on vacation, leaving to go to school. He was (notice I say was) one of my closest friends, and I couldnt bare the thought of him leaving. Now of course, since school is over we havnt talked in like forever. Hes prob to busy with Gina. Whatever, its not like I actually care. It just hurt like all those times when hed tell me how amazing she was and how much he wanted her. I dont know what it botherd me so much. I mean, the fact that he asked her out right before me and him went to prom kinda botherd me. I mean, what if she said yes? How awkward would that be?
Its just kind of annoying that whenever he needed something, llike help with music, or help with advice, or chorus or whatever, or even just being willing to do whatever he wanted after prom...and him telling me how important I was to him...and now that schools over, im dropped? Dont mind me saying this, but I dont really feel like a "good friend"
Iv been trying my best not to talk with him, and to just try to forget about him, I mean, that will make it easier when he leaves right? Wrong. I miss him. He actually was a good friend of mine. He hasnt even written in my year book yet. When we were at the yearbook signing, he came up to me and asked me to write in his, and I just gave this look of "i cannot possibly think of what to write" so we decided that wed do that later. I doubt that later will ever come.

Wow...that turned more into a thing about Peter then anything. I guess I just miss my friend...
Whatever.
I dont want to talk about prom...it only got worse.

3. Graduation. Well everyone I graduated. Fun stuff huh? I could in theory go on and on and on and on about my feelings toward that but i dnot have the emotional strength right now. I really donnt. Lets just say this, anyone who ever said that graduation is a happy day, is very wrong. Becuase untill the day I die, I will see my high school graduation as the last day of the best years of my life.

4. I got a tattoo for my birthday. Enough said. I got like 509275027 facebook comments saying happy b-day, and 457207 phone calls, but really...the one phone call i wanted? I didnt get. You all know what it was, and if you dont, refer to previous statements.

5. Things are totally done with my and CJ, if you guys didnt know. Its not likes it been easy. But I thought we were both miserable. That was the impression I was given. Do I regret it? No, things were not working out. Do I miss him? Yes. I miss him, he was my best friend in the world and I loved him. But that dosnt mean that it should go back to how it was. Sometimes love just isnt enough. Sometimes there just isnt anything you can do. He deleted me from facebook, LJ, and AIM im pretty sure, i guess he just dosnt want to talk to me anymore. That really hurts. Being cut out  of his life. Maybe some day he will miss me. But for now, if he dosnt want to talk with me, I cant do anything about it.


There is so much more I could be writing about each subject, but like I said, Im too tired.
I did so much exercise today. It makes me feel good.

overall however, I guess you could say Im pretty happy. I meean, its summer time? What could be better?  I mean, there are some bad points, but overall things dont seem to terrible.

Tomorrow is my special day with Dan. We're hanging out all day, and hes letting my pick whatever I want to do.
I cant wait.
I <3 Dan.
Hes such a good friend.



I fucking miss erica.
This is not ok.
I need to see my wife.
Now.

I dont really have anything really to say. Iv been kind of in a funk lately. I dont really know how to describe it. There really isnt anything worth saying. The musical is starting up, and coming along nicely. And Im happy about that.

The Boston Symphany Orchestra was amazing. It really was. I honestly thought that I was going to be so bored the whole time, and I would just want to go. But Dan described classical music as, its all imagination. Classical music only goes so far he says...and then the mind takes over. You need to actually have an imagination. And during the show, I closed my eyes, and just listend. It was the best expirence of my life. I loved it. I love classical music.

Speaking of music. Have you ever heard the musical "Songs for a new world"? I doubt that any of you have. But its an amazing musical. The songs are amazing. I cant even put into words how amazing the music and the lyrics are...and just everything. There are two songs that really get to me.

Im going to write what I think about each one, and then I'll post a link, and put the lyrics for you guys to read them. Seriously, if you can, please listen to them. They are the definition of beauty, and love.



Songs for a New World...My Thoughts.

Stars and the Moon
So, I love this song the most. Its about this woman, and all she wants in a relationship is security, and money, and things. She thinks that stability and strictness is the best way to go. So she meets all these people, and they're not exactly what shes looking for. Either they dont have the money, or they're not stabel enough or whatever. But they offer her the "stars and the moon" and everything she could ever dream of. They offer her freedom, and fun, and love. But each times she denys them and wants only material things. Then she meets this man, and he has money, and all she wants. And so she marrys him ,and she gets her big boats, and clothes, and wedding in Paris. And then the years go by, and she wakes up one morning and realizes...
"My God...
I'll never have the moon."
I love this song. I think it really shows that you shouldnt marry for anything but love. And there are more important things in life then just money, and stability, and material things. Shouldnt you live happy rather then living rich?


Im not Afraid of Anything...My Thoughts.
So in this song, which the music to is amazing...there is this woman, and she goes though her family, and stuff and how they are afraid of things...crying, the dark, having babys. And how its all very silly, and how she isnt afraid. And then she talks about David, and how hes afraid of her. She loves him yes...but hes afraid of getting hurt, and getting to know her, "hes afraid to love me" and at the end of the song she reveals that shes not afraid of anything because she built up a wall for herself, so she dosnt get hurt. Shes not afraid of anything, becuase shes got herself so well guarded that nothing can get in to hurt her.

I guess thats a good way to go about it...except not. Thats what lifes all about. Letting people close enough to you, so that yeah maybe you might get hurt. But in the end its worth it, becuase you trusted them, and they didnt let you down. Its all about taking risks, and loving with your whole heart.

( Songs For a New World )

69 Questions Guaranteed You've Never Answered
(unless you've taken this quiz before)

1. What would you do if your bf/gf just showed up at your house right now?
I dont have one. but if someone showed up Id be happy.

2. What describes your relationship status?
single.

3. Where are you?
Ay my house

4. What's the last movie you've seen?
Halloween

6. What is your favorite animal?
Horse

7. Who have you thought about most today?
Umm...Dan and James. Beucase Im thinking about saturday

8. Do you carve pumpkins every year?
mhmm

10. Color of your shirt?
its tye-dye

12. Who's on speed dial?
i dont really use speed dial

13. Honestly, what would you rather be doing right now?
Hanging out in Amesbury.

14. What's your favorite season?
summer.

16. Are you a bad influence?
I dont think so

17. Would you do anything for someone?
Yeah. A few of them.

20. Have you ever been called a bitch?
oh yes.

21. Have you ever eaten pizza with sour cream?
ok ew?

24. How big is your room?
a good size.

26. Does your best friend have a Myspace?
mhmm.

27. Whose page did you visit last?
i dont really use myspace

28. Last time you went out to dinner?
umm...friday

29. Who is your favorite character from friends?
Ross all the way

31. Do you have your senior yearbook?
not yet

32. Do you want to kiss anyone right now?
yes!

33. Do you have one or more CD's
yup.

35. Favorite TV show?
MASH, and scubs

36. What's your name spelled backwards?
ahtnamas

37. Do you have a song by Kelly Clarkson in your itunes library?
unfortunatly yes

38. iPod or Zune?
ipod

39. Do you watch Family Guy regularly?
not regularly...but i love it.

40. How do you feel about reality shows?
Well I like rock of love

41. Do you read trashy romance novels often?
nah.

43. What's the last thing you bought?
Food

45. What's in your CD player right now?
nothing

46. What's your favorite movie?
The 10th Kingdom, and the Princess Bride

47. What's another favorite movie?
The Notebook

48. Do you believe everyone has a soul mate?
Nah. I think you can fall in love a few times

49. Can you sing?
yup.

50. Do you play any instruments?
kinda. yeah

51. Have you ever been to another country?
mhmm.

54. Have you ever been to South America or Africa?
No. but I will.

55. Do you know how to knit?
nope.

56. What do you want to eat right now?
Cheesy Fries

57. Have you ever written love song lyrics yourself?
nah.

58. What are you doing right now besides this survey?
listening to music and trying to call jeff.

61. Math or English?
math

62. Myspace or Facebook?
facebook.

63.G-rated or R-rated movies?
either or.

64. Rather fly across the states or drive?
fly.

65. Batman, Spiderman, Superman, Hulk, or Silver Surfer?
Superman.

66. What's your favorite Disney movie?
hercules, or the jungle book

67. Bottom or Top?
top.

68. Do you sleep naked?
nah.

69. Mood?
eh. I miss amesbury

Im seriously pissed at james right now. He makes me very mad. I just dont understand how someone can be so bitchy.
I dont want to get into it, becuase none of you will know what Im talking about. But whatever.
God he  makes me mad

1. Ever been in a perfect relationship?
nope, no such thing

2. Does someone like you?
ha. no

3. Which is more fun, night or day?
Day

4. Are you wearing any jewelry?
no

6. Have you ever been on television?
yeah, but only for dumb things

7. What did you eat today?
dont remeber. I puked it all up.

8. Do you like mustard?
honey mustard and regular yes.

9. What's the last thing you bought?
food?

10. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
james being an idiot

11. Where was the last place you went shopping?
i dont remeber

12. Did you sing in the shower today?
didnt shower yet. I stayed home sick

13. When was the last time you cried?
Today. Right now actually.

14. What song are you listening to?
John Williams.

15. What are you doing/did today?
crying

19. Are you scared of bugs?
no

20 Are you a cuddler?
yesh =)

23. Do you read?
yeah?

24. Do you sleep with a teddy bear?
yes. every night

25. Last thing to make you cry?
James. but  before that it was dan.

26. Who was there to comfort you?
No one

26. What's the last TV show you watched?
Rock of Love.

27. Do you like baseball?
ya I guess

28. Least favorite sport?
Golf

29. Last time you went out to eat?
yesterday with pat.

30. What are you doing tomorrow?
school. auditions

31. What did you do yesterday?
hung out with the kids. then pat then my friends then sleep

33. What are you doing right now?
fighting with james. well I was. now hes giving me the silent treatment

37. Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
yes.

38. Did you have fun today?
not really. i stayed home sick.

41. What do you know about the future?
I dont know anything about it.

42. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Pat. wait no. Liz

43. How old do you want to be when you have kids?
I dont really know. I think i want to adopt at like...27

44. Last time you ate cereal?
yesterday

45. Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
ears...for now.

46. Do people hate you?
yup

47. How often do you give high fives?
I like hugs better. but more often then one would think=

48. The next person you’ll hold hands with… will it mean anything?
i hope.

49. The last person you held hands with... did it mean anything?
haha. yeah. I love little Brian

50. Do you like your life right now?
no. well. yes. Im not sure
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm not really in the typing mood. I dont have any like extreme thoughts. I dont really have any thoughts right now. They're all taken up by me and Hilarys new obsession. Very attractive. Very.
We're retarted.
But....who cares.
Good thoughts.
=)


Anyway. There isnt anything really interesting going on.
I miss my Nick Aiello.
So much. He really is one of my best friends. Id do anything for him. And Im going to say that my deepest, and most intimate conversations have been with him. We talk about everything, love, death. And everything in between. I really love him with all my heart. I hope he knows that. I feel like all my other friends are like "oh nick aiello" but, they dont really apprecaite him like I do. Or maybe they do. Hes just a really great kid.

Im so pissed. I have to babysit this saturday. 5- untill the next morning. I was going to go to the middle east club to go see Oddysey play. God I miss seeing them. They're really amazing. And matt called and we were going as "dates" lol!!. Ok...we wernt real dates. But we were just saying that becuase we're goofballs and we love eachother.
He said hes going to take me dancing, and teach me how to waltz and swing and stuff. Im pretty excited.
=)
He can be creepy sometimes.
But I love him anyway.
He can be a douchebag sometimes too.
But I love him anyway.


But...I do hope to see James Dan and Tucker for a little on saturday. And maybe go out with them on sunday for a bit, or maybe with pat and trevor. Who knows. All I know is I really miss Dan and James.
I guess I miss tucker. I guess Im good friends with him now. But I dunno. We dont talk much, but whenver we hang out, we act like we've been friends forever. Weird.

I miss dan. I really do. Hes always in such a shitty mood lately, that I dont really talk to him on the phone much anymore. I dunno. I just wish he wasnt so stressed or whatever he is. Im going to call him tonight and try to cheer him up. Or maybe he'll be in a good mood.
I cant wait to give him his birthday present. EEKK!!!
Boston Symphany Orchesta tickets.
I hope he likes them.
Yay for me.

Bahhhh

I dunno what else to say.
I fell asleep yesterday at 6:45ish.
I hate myself.

James and I have been talking a lot about love lately.
What is love?
What does it mean to love someone?
Is it better to wait for the right person or just "have fun"?
What are the diffrent kinds of love?
What reminds me of love?

And Iv been thinking about it a lot on my own.
So...here are some of my random thoughts about love.


Two songs that make me smile, and make me think of love above all others are "Wonderful Tonight " and "In my Life"
"Something" also is another one. But see the first two have personal meaning, "Something" is just an all around perfect love song.

Anyway. I was talking about the song "Wonderful Tonight" with Erica last night. And she mentioned how she didnt really get the lyrics. She didnt understand how amazing they were. Maybe you just have to listen to enough Clapton to understand him.

It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear.
She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"
And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight."

We go to a party and everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady that's walking around with me.
And then she asks me, "Do you feel all right?"
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight."

I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes.
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you.

It's time to go home now and I've got an aching head,
So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed.
And then I tell her, as I turn out the light,
I say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight.
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight."


You see...the song is beautiful because its so simple. The first part, hes talking about just watching her get ready, thats all. Just watching her brush her hair and get dressed up. And all he can do is look at her and see his wonderful woman. And in the second part, they arnt doing anything fancy but having fun at the party, but all he can do is look at the woman he loves, and see how wonderful she is. Same with the last part. Hes saying that the littest things like helping him to bed make her wonderful. The song is about how simple love is when you finally find it. Its about looking at the person you love, and knowing for sure that they are the one, because all you can do is see how amazing they are. This song shows how it dosnt have to be this big complicated thing. It brings back the real meaning of love, and thats just simply seeing how amazing your partner is. And seeing the real reasons why you love them. Its simple, and people dont understand that.
They dont get how something so profound and amazing can be simple. because love really is you know...simple. When it boils down to it. You find the person, and you love them, no matter what.
I just love that song. It reminds me of pat. Because well...its our song. I got to dance with him to it on saturday night. I missed my best friend.


"

“Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.”

I love that quote. It just shows...love is simple. Love is love, and there is no other way to describe it.

"In my Life" is another song that reminds me of love and happiness above all others.

There are places i'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends i still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life i've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When i think of love as something new
Though i know i'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know i'll often stop and think about them
In my life i love you more

Though i know i'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know i'll often stop and think about them
In my life i love you more
In my life i love you more

This song has very speical meaning for me. Nobody really knows the backround to it, so i intend to keep it that way. Its just one of those thigns, that when you hear the song, you sit back and listen, close your eyes, and smile.
This song I think shows love because it shows how special love is. Like...when you meet the right person, the world stops. And suddnely everything else is less important. Well no, thats not it. Its just...you meet this person that changes your life, and you place them above all else. It dosnt mean that you love the other things less, because you never forget where you came from, or what you have loved before, but its like...once you meet the right person, life starts new. It starts over becuase suddenly everything else means so much more. There is more definition to what you do, and how you do it. When you meet that person, they totally redefine love, and everything.  Im prob. not doing a vrey good job at explaining this, but I cant help it. Im very skatter brained.

I would explain how I feel about the song "something" but I dont really feel like it. Maybe. Its just...its basicly those two songs together. That song describes love perfectly. Its just..."something" about the person...I compleatly understand. So I wont get into it. Becuase Im lazy.


So I was thinking today...how do you tell if you love someone? Should it click? Or are the're signs? I guess I think its a mix. For me I would say anyway. For example, i guess you just feel it. You just know. I cant explain. But thats how i expect it goes.
However...I was thinking about it, and i guess there are some thigns that need to be there. For me anyway...I mean, I guess its kinda a mutual understanding that two people have to share. For me anyway.

1. Music.- Now, Im not saying we must like the same music. Becusae everyone has diffrent tastes. But i can close my eyes, and listen to music, and feel it. Feel the emotion behind it. I guess, they cant just view music as "just music". Because its not. Its not "just music" its not "just chords and notes". Its not "just lyrics"...because if people cant put emotion into that...then they cant put it into anything. Not the way I need it. If they view thigns as "just"...it cant work. There is meaning behind everything. If they cant fully understand the emotion that goes into things, then they cant fully love me. I dunno, I was talking to James about this. It made more sense when I described it to him. He gets what I say because sometimes we think the same way. We have that same emotional connection with things like that. I'll stop trying to explain this one.

2.Crazy.- Now, well all know that I am insane. There is no doubt about that. And there is no way I could ever be with someone who I had to hide the crazy from. It just wouldnt work. They need to love me for who I am. Crazy and all.

3. Ok, so this one is a little out there. But i was talking about this with erica last night. or...a few nights ago. (this entry was written over the course of a few days) Anyway, I always kinda thought that when you love someone, and they're right for you, you have this unspoken physical bond. LIke...when your lying there together, or just sitting, your breath and your heart beat kinda match. I dunno, i just feel like that should be an unspoken connection. like real proof that you were made for each other. I dunno...maybe I watch too many chick flicks.

I dunno...I had a few other things. but I guess it dosnt matter.
I have been writing this over the course of a few days.

And a few days ago I would have written things I wanted in a guy.  Like...they have to know how to dance well. Like Waltz and swing and stuff. And they have to know how to bake, and cook well. They had to be romantic, and treat me like a princess, and they had to love music, and they had to be athletic, and smart.  And good looking of course.

But then I noticed something. At lunch I was sitting with Jess and Dave. And for some reason we were talking about him, and how he was the "perfect boyfriend"...well thats what he said about himself anyway. I didnt agree at all. I think hes a doofus. But anyway, he then proceeded to list everything I have on my list about himself. Hes somewhat good looking, cooks, dances, smart, romantic, he plays guitar very well. And I realized those things dont matter. Becuase if they did, I would be with Dave. But they dont. You cant judge your love for someone by what they do. Becuase Dave is yucky, even though he "has all the things I want". I just had that realiziation. It dosnt matter what they can do. It matters how you feel around them.
It matters if you can just sit there with them and not have to say anything. It matters if the person is the one thing that can make you feel better at the end of a long day. It matters if the person puts new meaning into your life. They should make old love songs seem new, and all the things you used to love doing...you should love doing them even more because they are your inspiration, and they are what makes you happy. Just because someone can cook or dance dosnt make them right for you. Its what matters inside that counts.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The more and more James and I talk, the more we talk about love. I guess its a common theme for us. I dunno, mostly becuacse we are both so obsessed with it. Its werid,  hes alwyas talking about how hes lonely and upset that at 18 he hasnt found love yet. or even had the chance. I try to tell him that sometimes, and in most cases it takes a while. There are only a small few who know what it is and have expirenced it early. Most people usually dont.

Reading what I wrote above about my three things or whatever that were important, I dont even know about that. Its just...love should be an emotion above all others. It should fill the gap thats empty. It should feel like your finally whole when your with that person, because you are. They should make you feel free, and relaxed, but tense and excited all at the same time.
People say that your true love shouldnt make you cry, and that you'll never fight blah blah blah.
Bull shit.
Thats whats its all about. Emotion. Becuase love is the strongest emotion all others succumb to it. Anger, Rage...Sadness, Lonelyness...Happyness, carefree...all of them all are somehow wrapped around love.
Its scary sometimes. That there is a feeling that will make you figure out who you really are. Its a very scary emotion. One so strong that when you find it, everything you do revloves around it.

Its dangerous to bring yourself to totally let go and give yourself to love. Becuase once you have, there is no going back. When you love someone, you give a part of you to them. Not only your past, but your present and future. Its a part of you that you cant ever get back. I think thats why people always remeber their first love. Becuase when you love someone, like really love someone, no emotions held back, scary all or nothing love....you are vunerable, and your counting on that person to take care of you. To promise that nothing will ever happen to the heart that you gave them.

I guess describing it this way makes it seem complicated.
But it brings me back to my origional point of the songs.
Its not complicated. Its simple.
Maybe its complicated up untill you actually find the right person.
But when you find them,
thats when all the complication should stop, and you know,
really know, that that is the person you are meant to be with.

You just look at them. Look at them doing what they love, or look at them talking, or watching TV...you look at them like anyone else would, but you see something diffrent. You see them unlike anyone else ever has.  You see how wonderful they are. You take joy in the little things about them. You celebrate the things that other people would find annoying but only you find unique. You can look at them...their all their imperfections, all the mistakes and still only recognize it as perfection.

When you love someone, time should matter. It should matter how much time has pssed, if its morning, noon, or night. Becuase your always thinking of them, they're alwyas in your mind, dreams and in your heart.  THinking about them should put a smile on your face at any point in time. Just becuase you care about them that much. Time shouldnt matter becuase you should want every moment to be with them. Every thought, every dream...about them. With them. For them.
and the amazing thing about finding the person you really love is...you dont lose love for anyone else. Loving someone shouldnt take time, or love away from your other friends and family. It should be that you love them all the same as you always did. But that person.That special person goes above and beyond. They re-define love for you. They re-define the reason to live. Bringing a new kind of love into your life.


God I could go on forever. But I wont.
All I can say is...
"Love...love...Love is all you need"

Dont ask my why, but for some reason I have been thinking rather morbid thoughts lately.
Im thinking it all started the other day, I was watching this show "real life women". And this episode was about a woman who was dyeing, and her struggle and stuff. I figured it would end up being that the woman got better, and everything was fine.
But thats not how it worked out. Actually, the opposite. The woman died. And the last part of the show was her saying goodbye to her family and friends. She was on life support and they "pulled the plug". Or, i dunno, they just let her die off naturally.
THEN! to top it all off I watched "A walk to remember"  That sent me off the edge. I was crying a lot.

This whole thing made me think a lot of things. I mean...first the show. It didnt end with the happy story I  thought it would. I mean...it ended sadly, and that made me reazlize that life isnt one big movie or show. In real life people die. And they have to say goodbye.
And then of course, "A walk to remember" got me thinking all lovey dovey like, and crying because of that. Miserable.

So then I started thinking...well if I was in the hospital, and I had one chance to say goodbye to everyone...what would I say? I would probably have all my friends, or people I wanted to say goodbye to (thats a lot of people) come to whereever I was. and Id just..well I dont know.
I would have to say goodbye to everyone that I loved. even people that Im not like..madd close to, i feel like there are just special people out there that I would have to say something too.

I mean...it would be a long process of saying goodbye. It would be weird. I'd be like "alright...bye...." And tears and sadness and just...bad.
I dunno...
Eh...
Thinking of this makes me sad.
Anyway...

But thats a big fear of mine. People not ever knowing how I feel about them. People not realizing how special they are, and speciail to me. It just wouldnt make sense. I just cant understand how I dont go around telling people EVERYDAY how much I love them?

Why dosnt everyone do that? Why dosnt everyone tell everyone they love EVERYDAY how much they mean to them?  Why dont people go up to the crush's they admire from afar, and tell them "I really like you...your amazing". Why dont people tell the people they love that they love them!! LET THEM KNOW!! Why dont we?!? Why dont we just let people know? What do you have to worry about? It makes people happy to know that they are loved.
I mean...dont do it in a creepy way. But if there is someone you think is important, or you think is amazing, let them know. let them know how awesome they are. How talented they are. Just...let them know
Its so stupid that society finds it "creepy" to tell people how you feel on a daily basis.
Think of it...anything could happen at any moment of any day. The point is...you just dont know!!
I think everyday how scared I am of something happening to me...or someone I love, and I wont get a chance to tell them how much I love them. How truely fantastic they are. I mean...what a loss, if someone just didnt know how speicial they are.

I really do try to tell people often how I feel about them, or how I think about them. But I dont even come close expressing my feelings enough. Eh...

Whatever...this is stupid.
This whole entry is dumb.
And its very reptitory.
Im just saying the same stuff over and over again.

Whatever....

But I do think....what would I say to people if I had to say my last goodbye.
Who would I say goodbye too?
Prob. a lot of people.
But what would I say...
Now goodbye speeches are running through my head.

I think I'm going to make a private entry, stateing who I would say stuff too and what.
Just...to get it out there

I hate myself!

Eh...
It looks fun.
And Im sleepy
I wanna go to amesbury. <3
damn.